I am overwhelmed with the feeling I CAN'T WIN. I'm constantly exhausted, constantly have a headache, and I can't concentrate and not to mention where my memory went (if you find it let me know).
I thought I would be able to cut my hours at work but I don't want to rock the boat. I have 11 weeks of this semester left but everyday I cry and ask myself why I don't quit and just go have surgery. I'm confused! Can't there be a magic pill that will take away everything I'm feeling and give me concentration for 11 more weeks. PS this magic pill can't have side effects so...guess I'm out of luck. I wish someone would come to me and tell me what the right thing to do is. Except that will be a problem since I don't listen. One side says don't give up its only 11 weeks and the other says 11 weeks is a long time to keep feeling like this and wouldn't it be nice to live life again without feeling this physical and emotional rollercoaster. So God if your not going to send that magic pill will you make my asnwer a little clearer or give me peace so that I can get through 11 more weeks. Thank you!
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Balance
I have found that when I am at my weakest I don't talk about it I don't write about it, I cry inside about it. If it's not one thing it's another and all my coping skills I had taught myself to manage I am having to re-teach myself a new way. This is by far my hardest semester in school and not just because I am dealing with my diagnosis and not because my Nana is on a health rollercoaster but because I am taking 3 science courses at the same time and I have never taken hard classes together.
Giving up is not an option so everyday I wake up trying to find balance. I have become a little more selfish then I used to be; putting myself in front of the needs of others. Some people are having a hard time understanding that and others don't know what to make of it but if I don't worry about me right now my scale is going to tip and every piece of effort I have maintained through this ordeal is going to tumble over. My grandparents have always been the reason why I keep on going down the path I'm on and always striving for something better. They are what matters and they understand where my time is and should be. It's all about maintaining balance!
As for my diagnosis my headaches are still getting worse they start at 3pm and last until sometimes 8:30pm. This makes it extremely difficult for studying. I have gotten a lot more restless no matter how much sleep I get. I started taking vitamins and making sure I reach all my food groups but still my exhaustion is getting the best of me. I'm still waiting for Barrow Neurology to call me and schedule an appointment with a new Neurologist (3 weeks now) but still no call back. Apparently the doctors are the ones to review the file and decide if you are a good candidate to be their patient (which I am all for because then I know the doctor is all about me and knows what I am going through) So since the squeaky wheel gets the grease I better call them again. Maybe just maybe this doc will be able to help get me through this semester. Approximately 79 days to surgery and this semester being completed. I suppose I should reward myself after this semester but not sure how to reward myself for getting through something I never thought I would be able too.
Giving up is not an option so everyday I wake up trying to find balance. I have become a little more selfish then I used to be; putting myself in front of the needs of others. Some people are having a hard time understanding that and others don't know what to make of it but if I don't worry about me right now my scale is going to tip and every piece of effort I have maintained through this ordeal is going to tumble over. My grandparents have always been the reason why I keep on going down the path I'm on and always striving for something better. They are what matters and they understand where my time is and should be. It's all about maintaining balance!
As for my diagnosis my headaches are still getting worse they start at 3pm and last until sometimes 8:30pm. This makes it extremely difficult for studying. I have gotten a lot more restless no matter how much sleep I get. I started taking vitamins and making sure I reach all my food groups but still my exhaustion is getting the best of me. I'm still waiting for Barrow Neurology to call me and schedule an appointment with a new Neurologist (3 weeks now) but still no call back. Apparently the doctors are the ones to review the file and decide if you are a good candidate to be their patient (which I am all for because then I know the doctor is all about me and knows what I am going through) So since the squeaky wheel gets the grease I better call them again. Maybe just maybe this doc will be able to help get me through this semester. Approximately 79 days to surgery and this semester being completed. I suppose I should reward myself after this semester but not sure how to reward myself for getting through something I never thought I would be able too.
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Surviver
2012 was supposed to be my year for success and maturity. In January 2012 I found out about my tumor and I started two demanding courses in college. In February 2012 the reality of my nana's illness set in.
When someone else is feeling sad or feeling sad for me is when I feel my strongest. I get to look at that person and remind them I am a strong person and even though life is not the way I wished it to be, I am a surviver. When I am alone I feel my weakest. If I have a headache it's a reminder I have an illness. I could have a seizure at any moment and what I am doing at that moment could change my life. I'm scared to take a bath when I'm home alone or to drive long distances. But when someone else knows my fears I fight them because I am a surviver.
I can't say that tomorrow I will feel the way I do today but I can say that for tonight I'm safe. My nana is fighting and I will continue to fight too because her number one concern for me was to never give up or give in.
Trying to be a student, work full time, a girlfriend and most importantly be by my Nana's side is not ideal but I love each one of those things and I know God has a plan for me.
When someone else is feeling sad or feeling sad for me is when I feel my strongest. I get to look at that person and remind them I am a strong person and even though life is not the way I wished it to be, I am a surviver. When I am alone I feel my weakest. If I have a headache it's a reminder I have an illness. I could have a seizure at any moment and what I am doing at that moment could change my life. I'm scared to take a bath when I'm home alone or to drive long distances. But when someone else knows my fears I fight them because I am a surviver.
I can't say that tomorrow I will feel the way I do today but I can say that for tonight I'm safe. My nana is fighting and I will continue to fight too because her number one concern for me was to never give up or give in.
Trying to be a student, work full time, a girlfriend and most importantly be by my Nana's side is not ideal but I love each one of those things and I know God has a plan for me.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Day by Day
I started an online college course the week that I found out I had Cavernous Malformations. Four days later my go-to class started. I got myself to class and I heard half of what my instructers said and the rest was waiting for symptoms and feeling the symptoms I had already felt x10. When I would get home from work or school I would crawl in fetul position and feel sorry for myself. This was not me! I'm the sort of person if I do not stay busy my mind gets me into trouble, so lying there only made me feel worse. I got to the point in only 2 weeks where I could not stand myself and the blob that I felt like I had become. I haven't felt like a blob in over 2 years when I started living my life for myself.
I decided last week enough was enough and I started to play catch up with studying and I needed to live life the way I said I would one day at a time and like I might not get tomorrow. Guess what... all my symptoms went away. Well, besides my headaches. I found that having a normal routine and keeping myself on a schedule without over stressing has even helped keep my headaches at bay.
I think we are our own worst enemies. If we believe something we can trick our minds into feeling a certain way. If you think positive and truly believe positive you will feel positive.
I decided last week enough was enough and I started to play catch up with studying and I needed to live life the way I said I would one day at a time and like I might not get tomorrow. Guess what... all my symptoms went away. Well, besides my headaches. I found that having a normal routine and keeping myself on a schedule without over stressing has even helped keep my headaches at bay.
I think we are our own worst enemies. If we believe something we can trick our minds into feeling a certain way. If you think positive and truly believe positive you will feel positive.
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