Dr. Know it All

Before I came back to post on my news from Dr. Know it All, I needed to gather my thoughts and put myself back together again. As I tried to hold myself in one piece it only made the process of acceptance longer. Finally letting go and letting myself feel the way I really did helped me accept my fate. Although I felt strong up until the point of going to see Dr. Know it All, his confirmations only made it more real (Which I think no matter what he said surgery or no surgery) the outcome emotionally would have came out the same. Before I start I want to confirm that I call Dr. Speztler Dr. Know it All. I switch his name for no reason other than I just feel he really does know it all. So...

I sat at Dr. Know it All's office for 2 hours. I thought going early I would be able to get in early but knowing that people come all around the world to see him I should have thought that through better because my anticipation just kept getting louder and my what if's only grew taller. By the time Dr. Know it All's sidekick walked in I was just ready for it to be over. They corrected what Dr. Bad News said and confirmed what I thought, that surgery needed to be done. (Honestly I do not think Dr. Bad News can even read an MRI) They answered all my medicine questions and also referred me to another neurologist who worked close with Dr. Know it All and who would oversee my care. They released me to keep running marathons and explained my tumor was in an easy spot to retrieve. Of course many things could go wrong but mostly the only things I have to worry about from now until the surgery is memory (which I do not seem to have much of anyway), headaches and irrational decision making. I'm pretty sure the irrational decision making can be made as an excuse in the future but for now I think I'm still making pretty rational decisions. Including the one where I decided to wait 16 weeks to have surgery. Yes I can start having seizures and yeah my headaches might get worse but chances of any permanent damage are very slim. I opted to wait because I have been in school for a very long time trying to decide what I want to do. I finally decided on my degree and missing a whole semester messes up MY plan. I'm also not very good at standing up for myself and sticking to my decisions. I decided for now on nothing will hold me back and I run my life especially not my tumor! I'm not sure where God is directing me but I do know he has reassured me this is the right path for me.

I'm finally starting to get my life back to normal and not feel like I’m on an emotional rollercoaster. This has helped my headaches tremendously and also get back on track to ace this semester. I will wake up every morning thanking God for giving me another day and when I go to bed I will be thanking him for the strength he’s given me to get through the day in the most normal way possible.